Enough

I originally wrote this in December 2009, but it still fits. I'm linking it up to Holley Gerth's blog today. She is so full of encouragement!

I am not enough.

The battle wages.

What makes me enough?

Head-knowledge versus heart-knowledge.

The head says:

           

“You are God’s beloved daughter. That is enough.”

The heart says:

“You must be enough on your own. Try harder.

Keep pushing. Harder.

You’ll never accomplish it all.

But keep trying.

Failure.”

             

“Abide in Me.”

“Push harder!”

“It is finished.

You are complete in me.”

“I must fill this void.

Push, push, push.”

“I make you whole.

You can do nothing on your own power.”

But...if I abide, doesn’t that mean I am giving up?

Weak?

It feels like weakness.

Head-knowledge battles heart-knowledge.

Feelings are not always true.

Listen to Truth.

That is enough.

Your Most Important Calling

I have been dwelling on the concept of calling, wondering when God will at long last reveal His grand plan for my life. I struggle to find peace, joy, and contentment in the life God has called me to right now.

My calling right now doesn’t always feel like much of a calling. It’s easy to think of a calling as something big and exciting, when in reality, we are often called to be faithful in the small things. When my small life doesn’t match my big dreams, I become discontent.

God answered my whining by using one of our pastor’s recent sermons to remind me of my highest calling. I found it tremendously encouraging and hope it helps you as well.

His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. – 2 Peter 1:3-4 (emphases mine)

Our most important calling is to be a child of Christ! Our human identities of wife, mother, friend, daughter, employee, all pale in comparison to the most important identity of all: our identity in Christ Jesus.

This calling has absolutely nothing to do with who we are or what we do. Our salvation is neither self-generated nor self-sustaining. Think about it: the most important calling of your life is based entirely on what Christ did on the cross. It is His divine power that calls us, saves us, and sustains us.

How freeing! Because we can do nothing in our own power, we need not fret or strive, merely fall into the arms of Him who became sin for us.

Perhaps best of all, this calling is certain and secure:

We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek. – Hebrews 6: 19-20 (emphasis mine)

When you feel discouraged or swallowed up by the seeming smallness of your life, lift your eyes to the hills from whence your help comes. Look to the Rock that is higher than any of us. Dwell on the cross and know that your salvation, and ultimate calling, are secure.

Real Hope

I am a survivor.

Specifically, I am a survivor of domestic violence and rape.

This month marks the ninth anniversary of meeting my abuser/attacker.

(How is this hopeful, you ask? Keep reading.)

In the past, these anniversaries brought marked depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. Praise the Lord, they do not hold that same power over me now. By God’s grace, I have a reached a point where I can own my story and look for ways to use it to minister to others. One way I can do that is simply by telling it.

Last month, I was praying for opportunities to share my story when I received an email from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. They were soliciting submissions for their publication, The Voice: The Journal of the Battered Women’s Movement. I took a deep breath, said a prayer, and sent in a personal narrative.

I focused my narrative on the theme of hope after abuse. Early in my healing journey, a counselor told me that a time would come when the abuse no longer dominated my thinking and my being. At the time, I thought it sounded nice, but could not imagine what it would be like to be free from my burden. It weighed me down. I thought it was the most important thing about me. I allowed it, and my abuser, to define me.

In my submission, I talked about working with a good counselor, but I did not talk about what truly made the difference in my life and my healing: Jesus Christ. Seeing a Christian counselor who helped me face and work through the pain of my past was instrumental in helping me reach a place of freedom. But only One made the real difference. I would still be trapped and lost if not for Christ. He freed me from the consequences of my sin and the bondage of my earthly restraints and freed me for a life of freedom!

Because I live in Him, and He in me, I am free from the stronghold of my past. He is my identity. He defines me. My past no longer rules over me; His love, grace, and mercy do! He is my savior and my Hope.

Yes, there is hope for life after abuse. The pain does fade. But I didn’t find true hope in counseling or books. They were helpful tools. Real Hope is a person. Because I know Christ, I know that I am not my past. I am a daughter of Christ, whole, forgiven, loved, and free.

What pain are you holding onto? What are you allowing to define you? You are not your past pain, current struggles, or fears of the future. Only one identity matters. You too can be whole, forgiven, loved, and free. Reach out and grasp the only true and living Hope, Jesus Christ.

For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. - Galatians 5:1

Five Life Lessons

Inspired by Pat Layton's prompt in her post, 5 Lessons Learned in a Sunflower Maze

There is no script

It may feel like everyone else was handed the life script and you’re fumbling blind. This is not true. There is no script. There is only God, and knowing Him. Seek Him. Fellowship with Him. The rest will come, in His way and His timing. Speaking of timing…

It takes time

God is planting the seeds of dreams in my heart, and it is hard to wait for them to bloom. I want them now. The reality is that I am where I need to be right now, learning what I need to learn right now. We cannot know God’s timing, but we can see God’s faithfulness to His people in the past.

God gave Joseph gifts and dreams as a child, and He did put these talents to use – in HIS time. Joseph endured years of waiting and trials while God cultivated his heart and his gifts. Each of Joseph’s experiences prepared him for what lay ahead. Nothing that happened to him in his past was without purpose. Which brings me to…

Your past has a purpose

Your story is no accident. You may not understand why God is writing it the way He is, but that does not mean He doesn’t know what He’s doing. He does.

I have pain in my past. I survived domestic violence, sexual assault, and rape. Joseph had pain in his past. His brothers sold him to traders, he was sold into slavery, and he was unjustly imprisoned. God brought Joseph where He did for a purpose. He brought me where He did for a purpose. He brought YOU where He did for a purpose.

That purpose is not always clear. What is clear is that your story is perfectly told because ultimately, it is God’s. Our job is to serve Him faithfully, show up, and wait and see what He will do. Which leads me to…

Keep showing up

We do not know how God will use our experiences, and we do not need to know. What we do need is to show up. Meet God and serve Him faithfully, right where you are. All he calls us to do is the task set before us, whatever that is. In turn, He gives us grace for each task, each moment, and gives it in abundance. Because of that, we can…

Have Hope

He is faithful to us even when we cannot see it. God’s children always have hope, because they have Him.

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
   for my hope is from him. –Psalm 62:5 (emphasis mine)

For you, O Lord, are my hope,
   my trust, O LORD, from my youth. –Psalm 71:5 (emphasis mine)

Wait and see what He will do. Have hope.

Trust

My heart aching with longing, my head aching with worry, I wonder:

How can I trust Him?

How can I trust Him with these still-forming dreams, these ill-defined desires?

I wonder, and I realize:

How can I not trust Him?

Look at all He has done for me.

He saved me from myself, my sin, my abuser, my rebellion, the broken aloneness of my self-imposed exile.

Oh, I’m still broken and I still sin. We are all broken sinners. But if we are His, then He is ours, and He is in us. We may be broken sinners but we are forgiven, set free, and we are never alone.

He heals the broken places. The scars will be with us until we return home, but even they have a purpose, as much as we wish them away.

The scars remind us of His faithfulness to us. How strange that sounds.

These scars are my Ebenezer, reminding me that He is worthy of my trust. They remind me that He has been and will continue to be faithful to me. If He watched over me and led me back to Him even when I openly rejected Him, how can I doubt that He is still watching over me now that I gladly call myself His once more?

He is faithful and just. He is worthy of our trust and our praise.

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.” –Lamentations 3:22-23 (emphases mine)

Remember

When you’re scared because it feels like your heart is bleeding out all over;

When it feels like your soul is seeping through these sudden cracks in your armor;

Don’t stop it. Let it flow.

And remember.

Remember what God has done for His people through the generations.

Remember what He has done for YOU, thus far.

Raise up your Ebenezer stone.

Remember.

Remember, and know that He won’t abandon you in the middle of your story. He is the author and finisher of your faith. He is the one writing your story. You don’t have to know how it ends. You just have to know the One writing it. Your author. The finisher of your faith.

Remember.

And know.

Wait and See What God Will Do

“Don’t be nice to me,” she said, “I might cry.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. Tears pricked my eyes.

“You too?” I asked.

I met her eyes. We understood each other.

I played with the nursery baby; she sat in the rocking chair.

We didn’t need a heart-to-heart. Just a few simple words were enough. We knew.

We knew neither of us was alone.

We knew neither of us would judge.

We knew we could be honest.

We knew we could be real.

“Wait and see what God will do.”

Until that moment, I raged against those words. But she said them so…plaintively.

For the first time, those words didn’t sound trite. They were not a mindless platitude. I knew I wasn’t being brushed off. “Oh, just wait to see what God will do. Buck up.”

This was a plea. “God, what will you do? We’re looking to You. We’re grasping for a glimpse of Your glory, Your power, Your mercy in our lives. What will you make of our pain?”

We’re still looking, still waiting. Some days bring hope, some hardship.

But we aren’t waiting alone.