tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33141951802512193712024-03-13T00:39:04.482-07:00Freed for FreedomFor freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. - Galatians 5:1Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04701834198373736122noreply@blogger.comBlogger29125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3314195180251219371.post-50382689648685598672016-06-13T06:53:00.000-07:002016-06-13T07:16:48.630-07:00Asking For It<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I was asking for it.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">He was my boyfriend. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I was asking for it.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">We fooled around.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I was asking for it.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">He pushed past each of my boundaries. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I was asking for it.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">We were in a hotel room. He lit candles and poured wine.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I was asking for it.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I let it happen because I was afraid to say no.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I was asking for it.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I was too scared and ashamed to tell anyone.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I was asking for it.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">It happened for two years.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I was asking for it.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I should have said no.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I should have known better.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">That’s the lie.</b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Here’s the truth.</b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I was never asking for it.</i></b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">He</b> isolated,
brainwashed, and controlled me.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">He</b> violated
me.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">It took me two years to name what happened to me. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">The reality was too painful, too shameful.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">It should be <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">his</b>
pain. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">His</b> shame.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">He</b> should have
known better.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I was never asking for it.</span></div>
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</xml><![endif]-->Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04701834198373736122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3314195180251219371.post-52894253094322053422015-11-02T20:55:00.000-08:002015-11-02T20:55:14.963-08:00Redemption<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">My daughter is a study in the art of letting go.</span><br />
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<br /></div>
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</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">One minute, she is pitching an epic fit over a 3-year-old’s
injustice: she wanted a braid, not a ponytail, or she didn’t want to put on her
own socks and shoes. There are tears and screaming, sometimes foot stomping and
dramatic flops on the floor. Some days I keep my cool and respond calmly but
firmly. Some days, I don’t. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">By the time we’re loaded into the car, she has usually
calmed down and is politely and happily requesting juice and the Frozen
soundtrack. Meanwhile, I’m seething in the front seat, trying to remember to breathe
and relax my jaw. I hand her the juice grudgingly (yes, that is a thing) and
fight the urge to scream.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">One day, though, I did something different. I followed her
lead. When her storm passed, I allowed mine to pass, too. I took some deep
breaths, turned up the music, and sang along. (“Let it Go” is an appropriate
choice for such moments.) I felt lighter, happier. I realized it was possible
to have a joyful morning even after we battled<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="_GoBack"></a> over which
shirt to wear. For the first time in forever (see what I did there?), we parted
without regret on my part. She happily trotted off to see her teacher and I
happily went on my way to work.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">One morning this summer was particularly hard. It was wonderful
until it wasn’t, and I ended up sobbing in the kitchen while she watched with big
brown eyes and said, “Mama, you’re sad? You’re crying? Because you’re not
playing with me?” That got a reluctant laugh. I spent the day wallowing, convinced
I was a horrible, incompetent mother who would never have a good relationship
with her daughter.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">That evening was our last session of mommy/daughter swim
lessons. I was anxious and braced myself for a difficult lesson. Instead, we
had an incredible time, one I hope she somehow remembers. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">She wasn’t holding a grudge over that morning’s struggles.
Instead, she eagerly ran to hug me, ready for fun. The pool staff turned on the
water play structure and we climbed up and slid down over and over again for a
half hour. She overcame her fears of the spraying water and slide, and we got
soaking wet and laughed and laughed. I felt a joy and peace I hadn’t felt in
far too long.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I found redemption on that kiddie water slide.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">We still have tough mornings, evenings, and in-betweens. Not every moment will be joyous, and I don't think I will ever stop doubting myself as a parent. But I'm learning that we can move through and beyond the trying times together and come out on the other side, still laughing.</span></div>
Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04701834198373736122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3314195180251219371.post-50649417668480909972015-10-21T19:18:00.002-07:002015-10-21T19:18:55.552-07:00I Didn't Expect Her<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">My daughter loves to surprise me. This usually takes the
form of running up to me and yelling, “SURPRISE!!!!” followed by her wildly
giggling, “I surprised you!!”<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="_GoBack"></a> I tell her she has
surprised me from the very beginning, and it’s true</span><br />
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">We prayed and planned for a baby. That part wasn’t the
surprise. The surprise came in the tiny bundle who was my mini-me and yet a
mystery.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I didn’t expect her, this child with my big brown eyes, my
husband’s facial expressions, and the combined force of our stubborn strength.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">When I saw how much she looked like me, part of me hoped
that her personality would mirror mine as well. Parenting was already outside
of my comfort zone. If my daughter was like me, maybe it would all be a little
less confusing and a little more predictable. But of course she is her own
unique being, one who challenges me more than almost anything else in my life.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I was a quiet, timid child, content with books and pretend
play. While my daughter loves those things too, she is active and exuberant. In
place of my timidity, she has a wondrous fervor. She is utterly exhausting and
enchanting all at once, wild and free and unashamed.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I know part of it is being three, but I also know there is
something beyond simply her age. She has more spunk and sass than I ever have.
She inhabits it naturally and unapologetically. This confounds me because it is
so foreign to me, yet I admire her.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">She pushes me outside of my comfort zone on a regular basis,
and I need that. She helps me dig deep and grow in unexpected ways. Watching
her tackle life head-on makes me more aware of my own strengths, weaknesses, assumptions,
and motivations. I have to work to keep up with her.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">She isn’t all energy and determination. She has a sweet, thoughtful
spirit that never fails to melt my heart. When I told her Daddy wasn’t feeling
well one day, she declared, “Daddy needs Hugsy!” and ran to get her big stuffed
penguin for him. Her teachers tell us she comforts and encourages her friends
when they are sad.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">This combined strength and compassion will be a tremendous
blessing to those around her. They already are to me: her strong will
strengthens my own, and her sweet heart softens mine.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">May I have the wisdom (and energy!) I need to teach her to
use these gifts well.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">May I celebrate her strong spirit, not fear or crush it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">May I see her for who she is, not who I want her to be.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I never expected you, my sweet, sassy girl. You are my favorite surprise.</span></div>
Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04701834198373736122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3314195180251219371.post-91043485472241506282015-07-12T14:49:00.003-07:002015-07-12T14:52:16.856-07:00Dear Husband<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>Written for my husband for our 7th anniversary</i></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Dear husband,</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I love you. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">More than that, I like you.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I forget that sometimes. I focus on the frustrating and miss
your myriad wonderful qualities.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">You have been there for me, always. Thank you for never
giving up on me, for fighting for me. I gave you an out once, early on, when
things got hard. You bought me dessert and we sat in your truck in the
Applebee’s parking lot and we talked until 3 a.m. That was when I knew you
wouldn’t run.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I trash talk that truck, but I have fond memories of sitting
next to you on its tailgate, close but not touching, willing you to kiss me but
knowing you were too gentlemanly to do so just yet. I didn’t know what to do
with that. Sometimes I still don’t know quite what to do with you. You continue
to confound me and challenge me, and that’s a good thing. I need that.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">When we were first married, I wrote about how God gave me
the husband He knew I needed, rather than the one I thought I wanted. I wrote
then that you were the best thing for me, and it is still true. You have
exceeded every one of my expectations for a husband. After all, as you are so
fond of saying, “No one expects a Chris.”</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">You are generous and loving, hard-working and immeasurably
patient.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">You’re funny and quirky and encourage me to take things (and
myself) less seriously.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">You are skilled and smart in ways you don’t see or
appreciate.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">You are willing to risk and say what needs to be said. You
are humble and thoughtful.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">You never shy away from the hard and won’t let me either.
Even though I get angry and resent that at times (okay, every time), it’s what
I need and I am grateful for it.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">You have always been honest with me, even when I don’t want
to hear it. Especially then.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I can bring anything to you – anything – and though you may
not understand or know how to respond, you always listen.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">You push me to be a better Christian and remind me that that
is what matters above all else.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">You patiently encourage me and when I don’t listen to you or
believe you (again), you speak the same encouragement to me (again. And again.
And again).</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">As we celebrate seven years of marriage, I do feel an itch.
I itch for seven times seven more years with you and then some. I long to be half
as good a spouse to you as you are to me. I yearn to grow closer to you as we
navigate the hard and celebrate the good together.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">May we continue to grow, together. Always, together.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Love,</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Lisa</span></div>
Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04701834198373736122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3314195180251219371.post-66105981957508532302015-02-27T14:59:00.001-08:002015-02-27T14:59:31.298-08:00Telling My Story: One of Those Women<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is Part 5 of my
story.<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span><a href="http://freedforfreedom.blogspot.com/2014/10/telling-my-story-introduction.html" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Part 1</span></a><o:p></o:p><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span><a href="http://freedforfreedom.blogspot.com/2014/10/telling-my-story-power-control-and.html" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Part 2</span></a><o:p></o:p><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span><a href="http://freedforfreedom.blogspot.com/2014/11/telling-my-story-but-he-didnt-hit-me.html" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Part 3</span></a><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span class="MsoHyperlink"><a href="http://freedforfreedom.blogspot.com/2015/02/telling-my-story-lifeline.html" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Part 4</span></a></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I can’t believe I’m one of those women.”<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That’s what I thought as I packed my getaway bag and stashed
it in my car.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I’m one of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">those</i>
women.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I thought I knew what domestic violence and its victims
looked like. It was sad, but it wouldn’t happen to me. I came from a loving,
middle-class family. I had good friends. I was bright, educated, and talented.
Not like one of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">those</i> women.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I would never allow myself to be treated that way. I would
know better. I would recognize an abusive man a mile away. I wasn’t weak,
ignorant, or pitiable. Not like one of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">those</i>
women.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I had a clear picture in my mind of who those women were,
and I wasn’t one of them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Until I was.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I quickly learned what an abuse survivor really looks like:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She is poor, homeless, well-off, jobless, professional,
godless, God-fearing, well-connected, utterly alone, young, old, gay, straight.
She has a history of abuse and an idyllic childhood. She needed rescue or simply
fell in love and can’t figure out how it has gone so wrong. She has no idea how
she ended up in this nightmare, but she knows it’s her fault. She will keep
trying to defend and fix her relationship until she can’t anymore. She will
leave when she is ready. She may never be ready. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She is stronger than she knows and hates having to summon
that strength each minute of each day. She
has no idea how she will make it through another nightmarish night. She still
hopes: hopes she is wrong, hopes things will get better, hopes he will change, because
without that sliver of hope, she is lost. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Most importantly, she is <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">real</b>. She is not a statistic or a sad story or a political tool.
She is a hurting human being. Whoever she is, she is doing her level best simply
to survive.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She needs compassion. She needs safe people who will show
her love, kindness, and patience, because her home life is hard enough. She
knows she isn’t an easy friend, but oh, how desperately she needs that
lifeline.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was 23, fresh out of college, and was scared out of my
mind. I was finally ready to leave.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">I was one of those women.</span></div>
Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04701834198373736122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3314195180251219371.post-81983454694889397052015-02-11T20:37:00.005-08:002015-02-27T15:00:41.766-08:00Telling My Story: Lifeline<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]--><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">This is Part 4 of my
story.</i></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><a href="http://freedforfreedom.blogspot.com/2014/10/telling-my-story-introduction.html" target="_blank">Part 1</a></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><a href="http://freedforfreedom.blogspot.com/2014/10/telling-my-story-power-control-and.html" target="_blank">Part 2</a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><a href="http://freedforfreedom.blogspot.com/2014/11/telling-my-story-but-he-didnt-hit-me.html" target="_blank">Part 3</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Towards the end of the relationship, some kind coworkers
invited me out for dinner and drinks. I knew my abuser would be angry if I
wasn’t home on time, so I was reluctant. Our boss let us leave early so I could
enjoy a fun evening. She wanted me to have that. She was the same one who later
referred me to <a href="http://www.weaveinc.org/" target="_blank">WEAVE</a>. It was a miracle I
wasn’t fired from that job, but she showed me kindness and I’ll never forget
it.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I had a great time until I realized I had missed the last
bus home and would have to call him for a ride. I panicked. He picked me up,
furious, and drove me home. Not knowing what was going to happen, I told him I
was going to take a bath and locked myself in the bathroom. I got a few minutes
of “peace” until he came knocking. This wasn’t “the” moment I knew I had to
leave, but it was one of my first moments of clarity about my situation.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The turning point may have been the night he came towards me
in the middle of a fight, fist raised. It was the first overt threat of
physical violence. I backed away, and he cried and asked, “How could you think
I would hit you?!” He left the room and I sat in the dark, frightened and
alone. I knew I needed to keep the peace in order to stay safe that night, so I
apologized and comforted him, all the while wondering what the hell to do next.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I wanted to be rid of him, but I felt trapped. I didn’t know
how to ask for help. I was confused and ashamed. I had spent so much time
defending him and our relationship; I didn’t think I could do an about-face. I
was afraid of how my family and friends would react. Would they help, or would
they say, “I told you so,” and leave me on my own?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">One night, I simply couldn’t pretend any longer. He left for
the evening, and I called my parents. I nearly chickened out, but I finally
told them the truth: things were horrible and I was afraid. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">They responded perfectly, with love and compassion. They did
absolutely everything right. I didn’t know it was possible to feel fear and
relief simultaneously.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">My parents told me I could come home whenever I wanted, and coached me through an escape plan. I didn't leave that night, but for the first time, I felt a glimmer of hope. After feeling nothing but dread for so long, I had a lifeline.</span></div>
Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04701834198373736122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3314195180251219371.post-2267584827405447062015-02-05T16:41:00.000-08:002015-02-05T18:26:31.567-08:00"We be brave together"<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I not scared. I brave.”<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We recently took the front off our 2-1/2-year-old’s crib,
and while we improvised a rail to prevent her from falling out, her once cozy
cocoon is now different. She’s still perfectly safe, but that one change is big
enough to bring a degree of uncertainty and fear to her little world. All of a
sudden, there are shadows in her room. Spooky shadows, she says, like Curious
George saw.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So we sing our bedtime songs and pray. She asks for a
cuddle. I curl up on the edge of her bed, hold her hand, and stroke her head.
She snuggles into her nest of stuffed animals and closes her eyes. I watch her
(presumably) drift off to sleep and am overcome with my own uncertainty and
fear. <o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’m raising a daughter.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I’m raising a daughter.</i></b><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How am I supposed to do that?<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How am I supposed to teach her all the things she needs to
know when I don’t even know them?<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How do I raise a child as a Christian when I still have my
doubts and uncertainties, if not about God, then about parts of Christian
culture? How do I teach her to navigate the crazy rules concocted by the world
and the church without losing her mind or her self or her love for Christ? <o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How do I instill that which I am just beginning to grasp?
That it’s not about following man’s rules, that I don’t have to fit some mold, that
it’s about deep, saving love beyond my wildest imagining, love I can barely
begin to comprehend without breaking down in tears?<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How do I pray for her? How do I teach her these bigger
things when I can barely get through the day of work and preschool drop-off and
meals and dishes and “don’t hit the kitty, that makes him sad and scared” and
figuring out basic teaching and discipline? If I don’t get to those bigger
things now, if they get lost in the every day, have I completely messed up and
missed out?<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Some form of these thoughts rush through my mind as I curl up
on her crib, feel her tiny hand grasp mine as it has done since day one. She
opens her eyes and says, “No macaroni and cheese. Don’t want it. Eggs and
toast. No want them,” and I am, as ever, delighted and bewildered by her. I
assure her that she does not have to eat macaroni and cheese or eggs and toast
tonight and she settles again.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I kiss her, extricate myself, and head to her door. Her
little voice pipes up again:<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“We be brave together, mama.”<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That’s it. That’s exactly what I need, what we need.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I don’t have to do this alone. I don’t have to hold it
together because </span><a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=colossians+1%3A17&version=ESV" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">that’s His job</span></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">. </span><a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+91:14&version=ESV" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He protects me</span></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> as </span><a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Deuteronomy+10:20&version=ESV" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I serve and hold fast to Him</span></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">. Maybe it’s enough to settle in His love and
grace, to learn as we go, together.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Brave in Christ. Brave together.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">We be brave together, baby girl. Tonight and always.</span></div>
Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04701834198373736122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3314195180251219371.post-64888218408818149952014-11-19T06:40:00.000-08:002014-11-19T06:40:33.242-08:00Telling My Story: “But he didn’t hit me.”<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]-->This is the third part of my story.<br />
<a href="http://freedforfreedom.blogspot.com/2014/10/telling-my-story-introduction.html" target="_blank">Part 1</a><br />
<a href="http://freedforfreedom.blogspot.com/2014/10/telling-my-story-power-control-and.html" target="_blank">Part 2 </a><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was isolated, afraid, and all trust in my own instincts
was being slowly stripped away. I was exhausted and living in survival mode.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The life of an abuse victim is exhausting. I was constantly
on edge because I didn’t know who he would be or how he would react at any
given moment. The Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde analogy is apt. Would he be loving
and thoughtful or belittling and angry? I had to be ready to meet whichever
persona he chose to show with the correct response lest I make things worse. (Note
the language I used there: lest <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I</b>
make things worse. That is the dynamic of an abusive relationship: the victim
is always at fault and the one responsible for setting things “right.”)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Just when I thought I had a handle on something, anything,
and think, “Okay, I can do this,” he would throw me for another loop. I lived
in a state of continual fear and uncertainty.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I later learned that I had been living in the <a href="http://www.weaveinc.org/post/cycle-violence" target="_blank">cycle of violence</a>. This
describes the pattern of an abusive relationship: a phase of tension building,
where the victim is walking on eggshells; followed by an explosion of violence;
followed by a false honeymoon period, where the abuser is kind, loving, and
seemingly repentant. The false honeymoon fades over time and builds into
another phase of tension building. And the cycle repeats.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Imagine living that, day in, day out.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was sleep-deprived because the middle of the night was his
favorite time to make demands and pick fights.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had to keep up a good face with the rest of the world. I
was so confused about what was happening; how could I possibly explain it to
anyone else? Would anyone understand? I feared others’ reactions. All I wanted
was for one person to tell me I wasn’t crazy, it wasn’t my fault, and that I
could get help.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">All I wanted was to
be met with safety and love, not judgment.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I never had a moments’ rest or peace. Even when we were
physically apart, he was always there, through incessant calls and texts and
the way he always occupied my brain. Everything was filtered through the lens
of the relationship, of surviving. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">This relationship
consumed me.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Despite all of this, I doubted the relationship was abusive.
Why? Because he never hit me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I didn’t fully understand how abusive he was until I first
sought help. I thought of abuse as only physical. In my mind, an abused woman
was a battered woman. Abuse is so much more than hitting.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There are <a href="http://www.weaveinc.org/types-domestic-violence" target="_blank">five kinds of abuse</a>:
physical, emotional, financial, sexual, and spiritual. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He may not have hit me, but he used physical intimidation and
sleep deprivation to his great advantage.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He may not have hit me, but he isolated me and stripped away
everything I held dear.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He may not have hit me, but he belittled me, tore me down,
and subjected me to constant mind games.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He may not have hit me, but he raped and sexually assaulted
me on a regular basis.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I lived this for nearly two years.</div>
Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04701834198373736122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3314195180251219371.post-3845811457223286302014-10-15T21:07:00.003-07:002014-10-15T21:07:49.827-07:00Telling My Story: Power, Control, and Crazy Making<span style="font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The first part of my story is
</span><a href="http://freedforfreedom.blogspot.com/2014/10/telling-my-story-introduction.html"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">here</span></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">
<u1:p></u1:p>
</span><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: small;">A
note on pronouns: I’m using female pronouns when I speak of victims and
male pronouns when I speak of abusers because this is true in the </span><a href="http://www.weaveinc.org/domestic-violence-0"><span style="color: blue; font-size: small;">vast majority of reported
abuse cases</span></a><span style="font-size: small;">, but I want to note that the gender roles can be interchanged.</span></i><o:p></o:p><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">
<u1:p></u1:p>
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Abusers thrive on power and
control, isolating their victims from any support network they may have. The
fewer resources a victim has, the greater control the abuser can exert. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">
<u1:p></u1:p>
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">My three most precious
relationships were with God, my parents, and my best friend. He quickly went to
work separating me from all three. It took time. He was patient. Eventually, I
was all his. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">
<u1:p></u1:p>
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">By the time I became
miserable and frightened, I felt completely alone. I thought I had no one to
talk to, no one who would help me. So I stayed, because I didn’t know what else
to do. I thought I was trapped. I thought I had no choice.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">
<u1:p></u1:p>
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">I had also fallen prey to
brainwashing and </span></span><a href="http://www.weaveinc.org/post/traumatic-bonding-0"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">traumatic
bonding</span></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">. Healthy relationships are formed on bonds of love, trust, and
mutual care and respect. A traumatic bond occurs when one partner dominates and
intermittently abuses the other. The victim is isolated, dependent, and worn
down from navigating the abuser’s moods and simply trying to survive. With few
to no outside resources, she turns to the person closest to her: the abuser.
The abuser reinforces this bond during honeymoon periods, where he is kind and
caring and makes her think maybe there is hope after all. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">
<u1:p></u1:p>
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">I was relieved to learn of
this common dynamic because I did turn to my abuser for comfort and didn’t
understand why. When I was frightened and miserable, he held me. When he asked
why my heart was racing, I lied about anxiety over work or school. I craved
protection and solace and sought it in his arms. I took this as further proof
that there was something wrong with me, and I had plenty of that because my
abuser particularly excelled at a technique known as “crazy making” (something
else I was relieved to learn about later).<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><a href="http://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/crazy-making/"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Crazy making</span></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">
is just what it sounds like: the abuser deliberately engages in behaviors that
make you think you are the crazy one. He was good at it. He enjoyed
manipulating and messing with me. </span><a href="http://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/crazy-making/"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Verbal Abuse
Journals</span></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"> has many good examples. These particularly struck a chord with me:</span></span></span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-size: small;">Crazy makers give you
plenty of reasons to be upset, stressed out and angry, but <b>tell you that you imagine drama where
there is none</b></span><span style="font-size: small;"> and have no excuse to feel angry.</span></span></i></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
</span><br />
<div style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-size: small;">Crazy makers <b>flip their mood on a whim</b></span><span style="font-size: small;">.
One second they’re sweet and kind, the next second they’re in a boiling rage.
They </span><b><span style="font-size: small;">blame you for their
ugliness</span></b><span style="font-size: small;"> and </span><b><span style="font-size: small;">credit
themselves for their good behavior</span></b><span style="font-size: small;">.</span></span></i></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
</span></span><br />
<div style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-size: small;">Crazy makers will <b>rape you and then pretend they didn’t</b></span><span style="font-size: small;">.
Because of your intimate sexual relationship, you question your perception and </span><b><span style="font-size: small;">think that maybe </span></b></span></i><span style="font-size: small;"><i><b><span style="color: #333333; font-style: normal; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;">you</span></b></i><b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #333333;">
misinterpreted the event</span></i></b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #333333;">.</span></i></span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
</span><div style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Crazy makers <b>twist your words, dart from topic to
topic during arguments, and use your confusion</b></span><span style="font-size: small;"> to wear you
down during arguments.</span></span></span></i></div>
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-size: small;">The more off-balance I was, the greater his
power and control over me. After attempting to reason and fight it for a while,
I simply capitulated. It was exhausting and I needed every precious bit of
energy that remained to simply survive.</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-size: small;"><u1:p></u1:p>
</span><br />
</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"></span></span></span>Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04701834198373736122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3314195180251219371.post-76826358098364227662014-10-06T13:59:00.001-07:002014-10-06T14:02:51.651-07:00Telling My Story: An Introduction<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]--><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I need to tell my story. </span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I don’t necessarily want to tell <a href="http://www.thepixelproject.net/2014/05/17/the-survivor-stories-project-lisa-rojek-leiplein-33-usa/" target="_blank">my story</a>.
It’s painful to relive. It’s been 10 years since I left, but I’m still
processing, still healing, still learning what it means to be a survivor and
how best to curate my story. I will be doing that for the rest of my life.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It’s important to define my purpose in writing this. It
isn’t simply to share lurid details. There are plenty of those, and I may share
a few, but not for the sake of shock. Despite recent increased discussion about
domestic violence, the voice of the survivor seems silent. The predominant
question remains: “Why does she stay?”</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">We need to reframe the conversation. Each abusive
relationship is unique. Perhaps by sharing my experience, one less person will
ask, “Why did she stay” and one more person will ask, “How can I help?”</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Abuse is prevalent. <a href="http://www.weaveinc.org/domestic-violence-0" target="_blank">Approximately one in four women will experience domestic violence, yet it remains one of the most underreported crimes</a>. My way of taking action this <a href="http://www.weaveinc.org/pod/domestic-violence-awareness-month" target="_blank">Domestic Violence Awareness Month</a> is by telling my story. </span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">This is how I got trapped, why I stayed, and how I left and
began to heal.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">This is what domestic violence looked like for me.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>The Beginning</u></b></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I met my abuser in July 2002. I was a temp. He came into the
office where I was working. His friend was supposed to run the errand that day,
but had flaked, leaving it to him. It seemed like fate at the time.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">He was charming and interested in me. I was naïve, insecure,
and depressed. He saw that and knew how to use it against me.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">We saw a movie and went out for ice cream. He was a perfect
gentleman. I was giddy.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I want to emphasize this: <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">our relationship started like any other</b>. Chance meeting, flirting,
goofy grins, butterflies. As my counselor later told me, it’s not like he was
wearing a shirt emblazoned with, “I am an abuser.” I just thought I had met a
great guy. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I didn’t know</b>. </span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I had some misgivings early on, particularly when I found
out he didn’t share my faith. I nearly called it off, but decided to give him a
chance because I doubted myself and thought “he could still be a good guy.” </span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">He kept up the “good guy” façade long enough to reel me in.</span></div>
Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04701834198373736122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3314195180251219371.post-32686091137983004852014-09-11T16:37:00.001-07:002014-10-06T14:01:31.046-07:00Why I Stayed<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">#WhyIStayed<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It didn’t happen overnight. He was subtle and patient.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">By the time I realized what was happening, I felt trapped.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I didn’t think I had a choice.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I was scared to leave.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I was embarrassed.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I thought I was alone.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I didn’t think it could happen to me.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">He never hit me so I didn’t think it was really abuse.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I believed his lies.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I thought it was my fault.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I was ashamed.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I thought I was ruined.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I thought I should stay with him because I had sex with him.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">#WhyILeft<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">My fear of staying finally outweighed my fear of leaving.</span></div>
Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04701834198373736122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3314195180251219371.post-6388115289647108002014-08-15T15:50:00.000-07:002014-08-15T20:30:15.043-07:00Five Minute Friday: Tell<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’m linking up with Five Minute Friday, now hosted by </span><a href="http://katemotaung.com/2014/08/14/five-minute-friday-tell/"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Kate Motaung</span></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">,
writing for five minutes with no overthinking or editing. This week’s prompt is
Tell.<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">GO<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I worry I tell too much.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know people respond to vulnerability. I know that when I share
my struggles honestly, it gives others freedom, know they are not alone. Yet it
is scary to be that open. What will others think of me? Are they judging me as
harshly as I do? Will I look back in 5 or 10 years and wish I hadn’t written
those words?<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And how do I tell my hardest story when I cannot read my own
words without crying? It hurts to speak the truth, to tell of my pain and
deliverance.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How do I tell the truth while still honoring some sort of
boundary for my family and me? Is it worth it?<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know I respond well to honesty in others, and I long to be
that sort of person myself. Yet I doubt the wisdom of being so open.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Is it worth it?<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You tell me.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">STOP</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br /></div>
<a href="http://katemotaung.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://katemotaung.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Five-Minute-Friday-4.jpg" height="200" width="200" /></a>Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04701834198373736122noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3314195180251219371.post-87145065410085435332014-05-02T15:20:00.000-07:002014-05-02T15:20:49.982-07:00What Happily Ever After Looks Like<span style="font-family: inherit;">Ten years ago, I left an abusive relationship. It was a life-changing year for other reasons as well, but that was the biggest turning point.<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I didn’t know what it would take to rebuild my life, or that it would take years of hard work to heal. I didn’t know what it would look like for the abuse to be a defining part of my story, but not a defining part of who I am. I didn’t know that I would eventually begin slowly, painstakingly rebuilding my identity in the image of the One who made me or how that both was and was not a simple task.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">What I did know was that I wanted to live happily ever after, and I figured that at some point, if I worked hard enough, if I got far enough away from him, I’d get there. And I did, only it looks nothing like I thought it would.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I wanted happily ever after to be, well, happy. Pain-free. I’d had enough pain, thank you. A lifetime’s worth in two years.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I have my happily ever after, only if I’m not careful, I don’t see it, because instead of happy, it looks like plain old real life. <o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Marriage. Child. Job. Mortgage.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Broken radiators and leaking hot water heaters.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">New jobs, changing schedules, too much transition at once.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Depression and joy and contentment.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The exhaustion and exhilaration of parenting a little one.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dinnertime tantrums and a sweet little voice saying, “Mama, miss you!”<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Marital tiffs and makeups and always underneath it all being grateful for the steadfastness of my husband.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dressy date nights out and cozy evenings in.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Family gatherings and finding time to see friends.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">A planner that is too full when I just want to take a nice, long nap, and the suspicion that I really never will get it all done.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Realizing that even when real life feels like too much, it’s still real and safe and everything I wanted and never thought I would have. <o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">My happily ever after is not always happy and it’s not perfect, but it is exactly what I need.</span></div>
Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04701834198373736122noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3314195180251219371.post-81231741629705318492014-02-28T12:07:00.000-08:002014-02-28T12:07:39.124-08:00Five Minute Friday: Choose<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i>I’m linking up with
<a href="http://lisajobaker.com/five-minute-friday/" target="_blank">Lisa-Jo Baker’s Five Minute Friday</a>, writing for five minutes with no extreme editing or
overthinking. <a href="http://lisajobaker.com/2014/02/how-to-choose-whats-important-today/" target="_blank">This week’s prompt is “Choose.”</a><o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
GO<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Faith, for me, was a choice.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
The night a pastor laid his hand on a Bible and said, “Either
all of it’s true, or none of it is,” I chose.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I chose faith.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
And maybe that seems simplistic, or naïve, or somehow not
spiritual enough. But it’s true.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I needed something and here was hoe. I was tired of
grappling with points of law I didn’t understand. I was exhausted with fighting
Jesus’ insistent tugging.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
So I chose.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
When I hear people talk about being wildly in love with
Jesus, I can’t always relate. I am grateful to Him, yes. But I don’t know that I
can say I’ve had more than a few glimpses of that wildly-in-love feeling.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Perhaps that too is a choice, to keep getting to know Him
that I might more fully love Him.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
STOP<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<a href="http://lisajobaker.com/five-minute-friday/" title="Five Minute Friday"><img alt="Five Minute Friday" src="http://lisajobaker.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/5minutefriday.jpg" style="border: none;" title="Five Minute Friday" /></a>Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04701834198373736122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3314195180251219371.post-79723246362881665132014-02-10T06:02:00.002-08:002014-02-10T06:02:41.644-08:00Books Read in 2014: Not Marked<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">One of my goals
this year is to make time for one of my favorite pastimes and read at least one
book a month. My pre-child self scoffs at such a small number, but now? If I
can read one book a month, I will feel victorious. Since one of my other goals
is to write on a regular basis, I figured I’d combine the two and write about
the books I read this year. </i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Not-Marked-Finding-Healing-Sexual-ebook/dp/B00H04ZRPW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1391809013&sr=8-1&keywords=not+marked" target="_blank">NotMarked</a> by Mary DeMuth</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<a href="http://www.marydemuth.com/" target="_blank">Mary</a> is a
Christian author and speaker who shares about living an uncaged life. She has
told the story of her sexual abuse before, but in Not Marked, she details her
healing journey in a particularly open and vulnerable way. Her husband Patrick
contributes his perspective to each chapter as well.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
This book is close to my heart. I am a survivor of rape
and sexual assault. I was blessed to find a good Christian counselor to help me
work through the continuing aftermath, but this isn’t something you simply “get
over.” Even after years of healing work, the effects are still with me and
always will be. Good Christian resources for abuse survivors are few, so when I
heard that Mary was crowd-funding this book, I contributed. The world needs
this book, and I am so grateful for her bravery in writing it.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Reading Mary’s words made me feel validated. I breathed
huge sighs of relief, realizing that I am not alone in my struggles. Simply
knowing that someone else out there gets it, even someone I may never meet, is
somehow comforting. She knows what it is to be angry with God, to feel
inadequate and helpless, to fight to forgive. She has done and is still doing
the hard work and is risking much to share her hard-won insights with others.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I particularly appreciate Mary and Patrick’s handling of
how one spouse’s abusive past impacts the current relationship. They
acknowledge the sometimes messy reality of being married to an abuse victim and
discuss ways spouses can work together to bring healing to the individual and
the couple. Patrick’s contributions helped me think about how my past abuse
affects my husband, in a way I honestly never quite have before.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
There is tremendous grace, freedom, and understanding in
these pages. I highly recommend Not Marked for fellow survivors and those who
love them.</div>
Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04701834198373736122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3314195180251219371.post-68300811619984852442014-02-03T20:22:00.000-08:002014-02-03T20:22:01.391-08:002013 Highlights and a Word for 2014<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I originally planned
to post this last week, but then I got sidelined with </i><a href="http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/occipitalneuralgia/occipitalneuralgia.htm" target="_blank"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">occipital neuralgia</i></a><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> and ended up accomplishing very little
other than catching up on Grey’s Anatomy. (Am I supposed to care about the new
interns/residents? Because I don’t. And I still miss Lexie and Mark!) It seems
past time for a New Year’s-themed post, but I’m putting this up anyway.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I subscribe to <a href="http://www.marydemuth.com/" target="_blank">MaryDeMuth’s</a> Live Uncaged ezine (which I recommend). In her latest edition, she
shared a list of things she did well in 2013 and encouraged her readers to do
the same. Since I am by nature a perfectionist who excels in beating herself up,
I thought this was a worthwhile endeavor.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In 2013, I:<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b></div>
<br />
<ul>
<li><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Actively
took care of my health.</b> When things didn’t feel right physically and
emotionally, I contacted my doctor and received treatment for post-partum
depression and hypothyroidism. I joined a gym, challenged myself to try new
workouts (like Spin and BodyCombat classes), and learned to enjoy fitness. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>I spent more time experimenting in the
kitchen, meal planning and trying new recipes.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b></li>
<li><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Pursued
community.</b> Life with a husband, toddler, full-time job, house, animals,
etc., is busy, no question. After tending to the necessities, there is little
time or energy left for anything else. I learned that it is worth every bit of
the work it takes to build and maintain the relationships that nurture my soul. I am richly
blessed not only with sweet friendships that span years, but new ones as well. When
I felt alone as a Christian working mom, I connected with fellow mamas in the <a href="http://www.incourage.me/incourager-groups" target="_blank">(in)courager community group</a>
for new working moms. After years of struggling to build relationships with
others at our church, my husband and I stepped out of our comfort zones and
joined a family dinner ministry. In the course of an evening, we went from
being on the verge of leaving our church to looking forward to Sunday mornings.
And I have to give a shout-out to my Mommy and Me friends! I had no idea when I went to that first M&M group that I would still be friends with these wonderful ladies, watching our kiddos grow together. Community is life-changing and I am grateful for mine.<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></li>
<li><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Said yes
to leading ministries.</b> “Leader” is not a word I have ever applied to
myself, but in 2013, God brought me some rather unexpected ministry
opportunities. I co-led the <a href="http://www.incourage.me/incouraging-new-working-moms" target="_blank">New Working Moms group</a> for the fall (in)couragers session. My co-leader and I started a <a href="http://encouragingworkingmoms.com/" target="_blank">blog for working moms</a>. And at the
end of the year, I spoke with our pastor’s wife about starting a ministry for
working moms at our church (see above re: the benefits of being connected!).<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></li>
<li><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Parented!</b>
This is perhaps my biggest accomplishment of last year and any other year, for
that matter. I started 2013 with a 7-month-old and ended it with a
19-month-old. While I still wonder how on earth I am enough of a grown-up to
raise a human being, I do think I grew into the role of mother a bit more last
year. I still feel frazzled quite often, but I also don’t always feel like I’m living
in survival mode either. Our daughter is healthy, happy, and mostly delightful.
I call that a win.<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="_GoBack"></a></li>
</ul>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I did write down goals for 2014. It didn’t take me long to
realize that I need to drastically simplify the list. I am, however, keeping
the word I chose for the year: seek.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It encompasses what I want to develop in my life: a renewed
focus on God. I want to earnestly seek His perspective day by day. I want to
model a life of relationship with God for our daughter. This is sadly foreign
to me. Praying is often what I do after I freak out and make to-do lists. I
turn to the Lord when I exhaust myself and my own options, instead of looking
to Him first and remembering that He is my best hope and guidance. My hope and
prayer is that seeking His will and living in relationship with Him will become
more natural to me throughout the year.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="text"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“O
God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; </i></span><span class="indent-1-breaks"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i></span><span class="text"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">my soul thirsts for you; my
flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.” –
Psalm 63:1</i></span></div>
Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04701834198373736122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3314195180251219371.post-71039115300608838132014-01-15T06:19:00.003-08:002014-01-15T06:21:01.566-08:00Your Story Needed [(in)Real Life Conference]<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]-->I have experienced online community like never before in the
last year and a half.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After I had my daughter, I joined a Facebook group for my
hospital’s Mommy and Me group. A few months after I went back to work, I joined
an <a href="http://www.incourage.me/community" target="_blank">(in)courage community group</a>
for new working moms. Not long ago, a friend invited me to join yet another
Facebook group for moms.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have found wonderful, vibrant community in these groups.
My online friendships have seen me through late-night and early-morning nursing
sessions, my struggle to find peace as a working mom, and endless fears and
insecurities. They’ve given me friendship, hope, and advice on everything from
nurturing my marriage to finding a great pair of jeans.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Every so often, I’m able to join my local friends for
playdates with our kiddos, but the majority of our interaction takes place
online. I absolutely love my online friendships. They have enriched my life
immeasurably. But nothing compares to seeing your friends in person. It’s
harder to hide behind “I’m fine” when your friend is sitting across from you
and can see the lie on your face.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I long for that human connection. As a dear friend says, I
need people to be the physical hands and feet of Jesus<a href="http://www.blogger.com/null" name="_GoBack"></a>. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That’s where the (in)Real Life conference comes in.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(in)Real Life is an annual conference held by the ministry <a href="http://www.incourage.me/" target="_blank">(in)courage</a>. You don’t have to travel long distances
or check bags or make hotel reservations. They bring all the content to you via
webcast.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What about the face-to-face part of it? That’s where the
local meetups come in. You can watch the webcast with other women in your area.
From the <a href="http://www.incourage.me/inrl-conference" target="_blank">(in)Real Lifewebsite</a>:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="background: white; color: #464646; font-family: "Lucida Sans Unicode","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;">“(in)RL
is the combination of outstanding online content that encourages, moves and
inspires women as they watch in the comfort of their own homes and local
meet-ups where small becomes the new big and women connect, in person, beyond
the comment box.”</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Find out more information and register <a href="http://www.incourage.me/inrl-conference" target="_blank">here</a>. Everyone who registers
this year will receive free access to the (in)Real Life videos from 2012 and
2013, and as an added bonus, anyone who registers on January 15 will be entered
into a drawing for a free ticket to the <a href="http://allume.com/" target="_blank">AllumeConference</a>!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8RalxI1-A6V0mVWOrMG5IUwX8g2IWLxCC1M_ICSiIUwGEhVpexlMM6Rjlcs5BCD8h1dBvYtTGN0nuOQKEA7-60HEDFSbEMfQpSNQO6wJ1S0VvNp06aLrBpVgC_Q5YJcnY4M1dzwmt263u/s1600/banner-sb-inrl.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8RalxI1-A6V0mVWOrMG5IUwX8g2IWLxCC1M_ICSiIUwGEhVpexlMM6Rjlcs5BCD8h1dBvYtTGN0nuOQKEA7-60HEDFSbEMfQpSNQO6wJ1S0VvNp06aLrBpVgC_Q5YJcnY4M1dzwmt263u/s320/banner-sb-inrl.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
For those who crave community. For those have a story the
world needs to hear (that’s you!). For those who need a safe place to be
vulnerable and <a href="http://www.incourage.me/2014/01/your-un-fine-stories-are-welcome-here-register-wednesday-for-our-in-real-life-conference-2014.html" target="_blank">un-fine</a>.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m going to be brave and attend (in)Real Life for the first
time this year. Join me?</div>
<br />Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04701834198373736122noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3314195180251219371.post-35538496687506930912014-01-11T19:59:00.001-08:002014-01-11T20:00:57.857-08:00One Working Mom's Thoughts on the Debate about Working Moms<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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The internet is thick with think pieces about women and
work, specifically mothers and work. They represent wildly different
worldviews, ranging from “let’s change the system to make it easier for mothers
to balance family and work” to “working mothers are the downfall of society.” <br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I don’t know if this conversation is newly prevalent or
if I’m just aware of it because I am now a working mom myself. I was aware of
it on a peripheral level because before I was a working mom, I was a working
wife. Not only am I a working wife, I am one of the <a href="http://www.usatoday.com/story/money/personalfinance/2013/05/29/breadwinner-moms-families/2364191/" target="_blank">40%of breadwinner wives</a>. Between that and the fact that I enjoy working, I
knew I would continue to work after we became parents.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
This did not feel revolutionary to me at first. Both of
my parents worked full time, as did many of my friends’ parents. I was vaguely
aware that some of my classmates’ moms stayed home, but I didn’t give it much
thought. Honestly, moms who stayed home seemed out of the ordinary to me,
simply because it did not match my experience.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I never thought of a woman’s employment status as an
issue until I got married. Sometime after our wedding, I became painfully aware
that I was among what seemed like a minority of working women in the church (by
which I mean both our local church and the Christian church at large). It
seemed to be taken for granted that my working was an anomaly and at some
point, God would arrange things the way they “ought to be,” with my husband as
the breadwinner and me tending to the home. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
But here’s the thing: I like working. I do not want to
stay home full-time. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
It’s scary to admit that publicly. It feels like the
wrong thing to think, let alone say out loud, but I have met other women who
feel the same way, and I think they need someone to say it.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I think they need to know they are not alone, because I have
felt alone. I have felt like I am somehow broken as a woman because I like
working. Because even if we didn’t need my full income or benefits, I would
likely still choose to work part-time. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I have hesitated to say this out loud because I fear the
reaction. I have been fortunate enough not to have anyone say anything
derogatory about me (at least, not in my presence), but I have read and heard
enough to know that people have entrenched viewpoints about this and
conversations can quickly turn ugly.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I fear that I will end up in a theological debate, and I am
not remotely qualified for that. I do not want to jump into what has become
part of the culture wars. I’m not a culture warrior. I’m a wife, mom, and
employee. I love God and my family, and I like my job. I don’t think those
things are irreconcilable. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
My husband and I are faithfully following the path that
God has laid before us, doing our best with His help to raise a godly young
woman. We don’t need arguments about where a “woman’s place” is. My place is
the same as any other Christian’s – in Christ, loving Him and obeying His
commands.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
What we need, not just as working moms but as working
families – as FAMILIES – is the support, guidance, friendship, and love of our
brothers and sisters in Christ. We’re all <a href="http://encouragingworkingmoms.com/part-of-the-body/" target="_blank">part of the same body</a>, after all.<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="_GoBack"></a></div>
Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04701834198373736122noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3314195180251219371.post-56100315196487562872013-09-19T20:36:00.001-07:002013-09-19T20:36:18.599-07:00Five Minute Friday: She<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]-->I'm linking up with <a href="http://lisajobaker.com/five-minute-friday/" target="_blank">Lisa-Jo Baker's Five Minute Friday</a>, writing for five minutes with no extreme editing or overthinking (quite a feat for me!) This week's prompt is "She."<br />
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
GO</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She grabs my hand in her little chubby one and grips hard.
We sit and rock while I give her a “baba.” I worry she is too old for this
habit at 15 months and then I remember all the other things I thought she would
never outgrow, and I choose to cherish the snuggles.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She releases her grasp and I move my hand away. She makes a
small noise of protest, reaches for me, moves my hand to her face. She has
loved having her head and face stroked since she was tiny. Someday these will
be her tiny days to me and I will remember her newborn days even more faintly
than I do now.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I stroke her sweet little head, her smooth cheek. She drinks
in milk and comfort. I lay my head on hers.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Someday she won’t need me like this, and as exhausted as I am,
that thought breaks my heart. And I can’t believe I’m saying things so cliché that
I once rolled my eyes at, but they’re true.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because of her.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
STOP</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<a href="http://lisajobaker.com/five-minute-friday/" title="Five Minute Friday"><img alt="Five Minute Friday" src="http://lisajobaker.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/5minutefriday.jpg" style="border: none;" title="Five Minute Friday" /></a>Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04701834198373736122noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3314195180251219371.post-74907168531630759832013-08-22T16:11:00.000-07:002013-08-22T16:11:03.541-07:00Reflections on a Year of Working MotherhoodThis week marks one year of working motherhood. It is not an experience that can be explained (or even summed up) neatly. (Bonus points if you caught that reference.)<br />
<br />
I have felt judged, defensive, embarrassed, proud, jealous, guilty, competent, wildly incompetent, and exhausted beyond belief.<br />
<br />
I worked through not enough sleep, too much caffeine, and postpartum depression.<br />
<br />
I pumped three times a day for five months and cried big ugly tears in the bathroom at work.<br />
<br />
I felt relief at being with adults instead of a colicky infant, able to drink a hot cup of coffee and eat my lunch sitting down and then promptly felt guilty for even thinking that.<br />
<br />
I felt like working made me a better mother and a worse mother.<br />
<br />
I felt alone.<br />
<br />
I Googled “support for Christian working moms” and felt even more alone (and angry).<br />
<br />
And then. The biggest, most wonderful surprise of the year.<br />
<br />
I learned that I am not alone.<br />
<br />
I am part of an amazing, strong, mighty community of moms who love God, their families, and their jobs. These women are an answer to fervent prayer, my soul sisters in sleepless nights, coffee, deadlines, and messy houses. I love them and look forward to serving and growing with them.<br />
<br />
God has taken me on an unexpected journey this year. I am nervous, grateful, and excited to see what comes next.Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04701834198373736122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3314195180251219371.post-52309040964959709212013-08-01T21:28:00.003-07:002013-08-01T21:42:45.411-07:00Five Minute Friday: Story<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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I'm linking up with <a href="http://lisajobaker.com/2013/08/five-minute-friday-story/" target="_blank">Lisa-Jo Baker's Five Minute Friday</a>
when I should be taking a shower and going to bed. I really want to
preface this with all sorts of qualifiers about how it's the end of a
long day and I'm tired so it really isn't my best work, but I think that
defeats the purpose. So here you go.<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This week's prompt is: Story </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
GO</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I thought I knew my story.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was straightforward: survivor of abuse. Rebuilt my life.
Found my way back to God. The end.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Except it wasn’t the end, because life keeps going.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It brings new struggles, new joys. The story keeps
unfolding.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I fought it for a long time. Sometimes I still do. I want
that to have been “the end,” except I don’t. Not really. Because then I wouldn’t
have my husband or our amazing daughter, or this house or these animals. I wouldn’t
have these friends or these emerging passions.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I would love for my story to be nice and neat and tied up in
a bow: I survived. The end. Happily ever after.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Happily, yes. Sometimes. Not always. But always good, even
in the new struggles.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because God is always true and always good. He is the End.
It’s hard to remember that sometimes.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m grateful I get to partner with Him in the telling of my
story, even when I wish I could peek ahead, just a bit.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I thought I knew my story.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
STOP<br />
<br /></div>
<a href="http://lisajobaker.com/five-minute-friday/" title="Five Minute Friday"><img alt="Five Minute Friday" src="http://lisajobaker.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/5minutefriday.jpg" style="border: none;" title="Five Minute Friday" /></a>Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04701834198373736122noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3314195180251219371.post-549624802018584862013-07-02T19:50:00.000-07:002013-07-02T19:50:01.879-07:00Constant<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Ah, the tension of working motherhood. It is a constant
and unwelcome companion. It goes something like this:</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I like my job. I like working. I would love to work fewer
hours, but that isn’t realistic at the moment. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I adore my daughter. She has excellent caregivers. I don’t
have to worry about her when I’m at work. She is a happy, well-adjusted child.
She has many special people in her life and is having wonderful experiences.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
And yet.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
She does this thing now where before she eats, she folds
her little hands to pray. She did not learn this from me. Not because we don’t
pray, but because it’s rare for the three of us to eat together and I don’t
stop to pray with her when I give her dinner because I’m usually unloading the
dishwasher or making lunches while she eats. She learned it from her
babysitter. It’s sweet and darling and so lovely that she has learned this and
I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE TO TEACH HER THAT.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
That’s how it goes. The sorrow and guilt and fear lurk
beneath the surface and rear up when I least expect it. The next thing I know,
I’m battling a downward spiral of “her babysitters are better parents than I
am.” </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Logically, I know this is untrue. I know that it is okay
and good for her to learn things from people besides her parents. I know the
people teaching and caring for her are godly and loving.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I know that I am always her mother and she does not doubt
that. I know I am doing the best I can and making the most of my time with her.
I know this is my path and my calling right now. I can use my gifts in the work
world AND be a good mother. Maybe, somehow, the two roles can complement each
other.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
But that doesn’t mean it is simple. As a friend
said, it’s a constant evolution and acceptance. It’s that constant part that
gets me.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I would like to wrap this post up neat and tidy-like, but
I’m not quite sure how to do that. What I have are these words, drummed into my
head by my counselor and friend:</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
God loves me. God is in control. God does not make
mistakes.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
God loves my daughter. God is in control. God does not
make mistakes.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
God loves you. God is in control. God does not make
mistakes.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
What blessed constant assurance.</div>
Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04701834198373736122noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3314195180251219371.post-2470134407058218702011-10-05T09:44:00.000-07:002011-10-05T09:47:37.907-07:00Enough<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I originally wrote this in December 2009, but it still fits. I'm linking it up to <a href="http://www.holleygerth.com/heart-to-heart-with-holley/2011/10/4/you-are-enough.html">Holley Gerth's blog today</a>. She is so full of encouragement!</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I am not enough.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The battle wages.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">What makes me enough?</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Head-knowledge versus heart-knowledge.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The head says:</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: .5in;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“You are God’s beloved daughter. That is enough.”</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The heart says:</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“You must be enough on your own. Try harder.</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Keep pushing. Harder.</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">You’ll never accomplish it all.</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">But keep trying.</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Failure.”</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 41.25pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Abide in Me.”</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Push harder!”</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“It is finished.</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">You are complete in me.”</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“I must fill this void.</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Push, push, push.”</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“I make you whole.</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">You can do nothing on your own power.”</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">But...if I abide, doesn’t that mean I am giving up?</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Weak?</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It feels like weakness.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Head-knowledge battles heart-knowledge.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Feelings are not always true.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Listen to Truth.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">That is enough.</span></span></div>Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04701834198373736122noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3314195180251219371.post-57079458119002276292011-09-12T16:30:00.000-07:002011-09-12T16:30:15.280-07:00Your Most Important Calling<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I have been dwelling on the concept of calling, wondering when God will at long last reveal His grand plan for my life. I struggle to find peace, joy, and contentment in the life God has called me to right now. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">My calling right now doesn’t always feel like much of a calling. It’s easy to think of a calling as something big and exciting, when in reality, we are often called to be </span><a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2025:14-30&version=ESV"><span style="color: blue; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">faithful in the small things</span></a><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">. When my small life doesn’t match my big dreams, I become discontent.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">God answered my whining by using one of our pastor’s recent sermons to remind me of my highest calling. I found it tremendously encouraging and hope it helps you as well.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">His divine power has granted to us</i></b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">him who called us to his own glory and excellence</b>, by which <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">he has granted to us his precious and very great promises</b>, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire.</i> – </span><a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Peter%201&version=ESV"><span style="color: blue; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">2 Peter 1:3-4</span></a><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"> (emphases mine)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Our most important calling is to be a child of Christ! Our human identities of wife, mother, friend, daughter, employee, all pale in comparison to the most important identity of all: our identity in Christ Jesus.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">This calling has <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">absolutely nothing</b> to do with who we are or what we do. Our salvation is neither self-generated nor self-sustaining. Think about it: the most important calling of your life is based <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">entirely</b> on what Christ did on the cross. It is <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">His</b> divine power that calls us, saves us, and sustains us. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">How freeing! Because we can do nothing in our own power, we need not fret or strive, merely fall into the arms of Him who became sin for us.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Perhaps best of all, this calling is certain and secure:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">We have this as <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul</b>, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek.</i> – </span><a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Hebrews+6&version=ESV"><span style="color: blue; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Hebrews 6: 19-20</span></a><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"> (emphasis mine)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">When you feel discouraged or swallowed up by the seeming smallness of your life, <a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+121&version=ESV">lift your eyes to the hills from whence your help comes</a>. <a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+61&version=ESV">Look to the Rock that is higher than any of us</a>. Dwell on the cross and know that your salvation, and ultimate calling, are secure.</span></div>Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04701834198373736122noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3314195180251219371.post-86317297566662876032011-07-13T12:33:00.000-07:002011-07-13T12:41:47.906-07:00Real Hope<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"></span></i><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I am a survivor.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Specifically, I am a survivor of domestic violence and rape.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This month marks the ninth anniversary of meeting my abuser/attacker.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">(How is this hopeful, you ask? Keep reading.)</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In the past, these anniversaries brought marked depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. Praise the Lord, they do not hold that same power over me now. By God’s grace, I have a reached a point where I can own my story and look for ways to use it to minister to others. One way I can do that is simply by telling it.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Last month, I was praying for opportunities to share my story when I received an email from the </span><a href="http://www.ncadv.org/"><span style="color: purple; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">National Coalition Against Domestic Violence</span></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">. They were soliciting submissions for their publication, </span><a href="http://www.ncadv.org/resources/Publications.php"><span style="color: purple; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The Voice: The Journal of the Battered Women’s Movement</span></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">. I took a deep breath, said a prayer, and sent in a personal narrative.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I focused my narrative on the theme of hope after abuse. Early in my healing journey, a counselor told me that a time would come when the abuse no longer dominated my thinking and my being. At the time, I thought it sounded nice, but could not imagine what it would be like to be free from my burden. It weighed me down. I thought it was the most important thing about me. I allowed it, and my abuser, to define me.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In my submission, I talked about working with a good counselor, but I did not talk about what truly made the difference in my life and my healing: Jesus Christ. Seeing a Christian counselor who helped me face and work through the pain of my past was instrumental in helping me reach a place of freedom. But only One made the real difference. I would still be trapped and lost if not for Christ. He freed me <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">from</b> the consequences of my sin and the bondage of my earthly restraints and freed me <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">for </b>a life of freedom!</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Because I live in Him, and He in me, I am <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">free</b> from the stronghold of my past. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">He</b> is my identity. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">He</b> defines me. My past no longer rules over me; His love, grace, and mercy do! He is my savior and my Hope.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Yes, there is hope for life after abuse. The pain does fade. But I didn’t find true hope in counseling or books. They were helpful tools. Real Hope is a person. Because I know Christ, I know that <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I am not my past</b>. I am a daughter of Christ, whole, forgiven, loved, and free.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">What pain are you holding onto? What are you allowing to define you? <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">You are not your past pain, current struggles, or fears of the future</b>. Only one identity matters. You too can be whole, forgiven, loved, and free. Reach out and grasp the only true and living Hope, Jesus Christ.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. - Galatians 5:1</span></span></i></div></div>Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04701834198373736122noreply@blogger.com7