Books Read in 2014: Not Marked

One of my goals this year is to make time for one of my favorite pastimes and read at least one book a month. My pre-child self scoffs at such a small number, but now? If I can read one book a month, I will feel victorious. Since one of my other goals is to write on a regular basis, I figured I’d combine the two and write about the books I read this year.

NotMarked by Mary DeMuth

Mary is a Christian author and speaker who shares about living an uncaged life. She has told the story of her sexual abuse before, but in Not Marked, she details her healing journey in a particularly open and vulnerable way. Her husband Patrick contributes his perspective to each chapter as well.

This book is close to my heart. I am a survivor of rape and sexual assault. I was blessed to find a good Christian counselor to help me work through the continuing aftermath, but this isn’t something you simply “get over.” Even after years of healing work, the effects are still with me and always will be. Good Christian resources for abuse survivors are few, so when I heard that Mary was crowd-funding this book, I contributed. The world needs this book, and I am so grateful for her bravery in writing it.

Reading Mary’s words made me feel validated. I breathed huge sighs of relief, realizing that I am not alone in my struggles. Simply knowing that someone else out there gets it, even someone I may never meet, is somehow comforting. She knows what it is to be angry with God, to feel inadequate and helpless, to fight to forgive. She has done and is still doing the hard work and is risking much to share her hard-won insights with others.

I particularly appreciate Mary and Patrick’s handling of how one spouse’s abusive past impacts the current relationship. They acknowledge the sometimes messy reality of being married to an abuse victim and discuss ways spouses can work together to bring healing to the individual and the couple. Patrick’s contributions helped me think about how my past abuse affects my husband, in a way I honestly never quite have before.

There is tremendous grace, freedom, and understanding in these pages. I highly recommend Not Marked for fellow survivors and those who love them.

2013 Highlights and a Word for 2014

I originally planned to post this last week, but then I got sidelined with occipital neuralgia and ended up accomplishing very little other than catching up on Grey’s Anatomy. (Am I supposed to care about the new interns/residents? Because I don’t. And I still miss Lexie and Mark!) It seems past time for a New Year’s-themed post, but I’m putting this up anyway.

I subscribe to MaryDeMuth’s Live Uncaged ezine (which I recommend). In her latest edition, she shared a list of things she did well in 2013 and encouraged her readers to do the same. Since I am by nature a perfectionist who excels in beating herself up, I thought this was a worthwhile endeavor.

In 2013, I: 

• Actively took care of my health. When things didn’t feel right physically and emotionally, I contacted my doctor and received treatment for post-partum depression and hypothyroidism. I joined a gym, challenged myself to try new workouts (like Spin and BodyCombat classes), and learned to enjoy fitness. I spent more time experimenting in the kitchen, meal planning and trying new recipes. 
• Pursued community. Life with a husband, toddler, full-time job, house, animals, etc., is busy, no question. After tending to the necessities, there is little time or energy left for anything else. I learned that it is worth every bit of the work it takes to build and maintain the relationships that nurture my soul. I am richly blessed not only with sweet friendships that span years, but new ones as well. When I felt alone as a Christian working mom, I connected with fellow mamas in the (in)courager community group for new working moms. After years of struggling to build relationships with others at our church, my husband and I stepped out of our comfort zones and joined a family dinner ministry. In the course of an evening, we went from being on the verge of leaving our church to looking forward to Sunday mornings. And I have to give a shout-out to my Mommy and Me friends! I had no idea when I went to that first M&M group that I would still be friends with these wonderful ladies, watching our kiddos grow together. Community is life-changing and I am grateful for mine. 
•  Said yes to leading ministries. “Leader” is not a word I have ever applied to myself, but in 2013, God brought me some rather unexpected ministry opportunities. I co-led the New Working Moms group for the fall (in)couragers session. My co-leader and I started a blog for working moms. And at the end of the year, I spoke with our pastor’s wife about starting a ministry for working moms at our church (see above re: the benefits of being connected!). 
•  Parented! This is perhaps my biggest accomplishment of last year and any other year, for that matter. I started 2013 with a 7-month-old and ended it with a 19-month-old. While I still wonder how on earth I am enough of a grown-up to raise a human being, I do think I grew into the role of mother a bit more last year. I still feel frazzled quite often, but I also don’t always feel like I’m living in survival mode either. Our daughter is healthy, happy, and mostly delightful. I call that a win.

I did write down goals for 2014. It didn’t take me long to realize that I need to drastically simplify the list. I am, however, keeping the word I chose for the year: seek.

It encompasses what I want to develop in my life: a renewed focus on God. I want to earnestly seek His perspective day by day. I want to model a life of relationship with God for our daughter. This is sadly foreign to me. Praying is often what I do after I freak out and make to-do lists. I turn to the Lord when I exhaust myself and my own options, instead of looking to Him first and remembering that He is my best hope and guidance. My hope and prayer is that seeking His will and living in relationship with Him will become more natural to me throughout the year.

“O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;  my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.” – Psalm 63:1

Your Story Needed [(in)Real Life Conference]

I have experienced online community like never before in the last year and a half.

After I had my daughter, I joined a Facebook group for my hospital’s Mommy and Me group. A few months after I went back to work, I joined an (in)courage community group for new working moms. Not long ago, a friend invited me to join yet another Facebook group for moms.

I have found wonderful, vibrant community in these groups. My online friendships have seen me through late-night and early-morning nursing sessions, my struggle to find peace as a working mom, and endless fears and insecurities. They’ve given me friendship, hope, and advice on everything from nurturing my marriage to finding a great pair of jeans.

Every so often, I’m able to join my local friends for playdates with our kiddos, but the majority of our interaction takes place online. I absolutely love my online friendships. They have enriched my life immeasurably. But nothing compares to seeing your friends in person. It’s harder to hide behind “I’m fine” when your friend is sitting across from you and can see the lie on your face.

I long for that human connection. As a dear friend says, I need people to be the physical hands and feet of Jesus. 

That’s where the (in)Real Life conference comes in.

(in)Real Life is an annual conference held by the ministry (in)courage. You don’t have to travel long distances or check bags or make hotel reservations. They bring all the content to you via webcast.

What about the face-to-face part of it? That’s where the local meetups come in. You can watch the webcast with other women in your area. From the (in)Real Lifewebsite:

“(in)RL is the combination of outstanding online content that encourages, moves and inspires women as they watch in the comfort of their own homes and local meet-ups where small becomes the new big and women connect, in person, beyond the comment box.”

Find out more information and register here. Everyone who registers this year will receive free access to the (in)Real Life videos from 2012 and 2013, and as an added bonus, anyone who registers on January 15 will be entered into a drawing for a free ticket to the AllumeConference!

For those who crave community. For those have a story the world needs to hear (that’s you!). For those who need a safe place to be vulnerable and un-fine.

I’m going to be brave and attend (in)Real Life for the first time this year. Join me?

One Working Mom's Thoughts on the Debate about Working Moms

The internet is thick with think pieces about women and work, specifically mothers and work. They represent wildly different worldviews, ranging from “let’s change the system to make it easier for mothers to balance family and work” to “working mothers are the downfall of society.”

I don’t know if this conversation is newly prevalent or if I’m just aware of it because I am now a working mom myself. I was aware of it on a peripheral level because before I was a working mom, I was a working wife. Not only am I a working wife, I am one of the 40%of breadwinner wives. Between that and the fact that I enjoy working, I knew I would continue to work after we became parents.

This did not feel revolutionary to me at first. Both of my parents worked full time, as did many of my friends’ parents. I was vaguely aware that some of my classmates’ moms stayed home, but I didn’t give it much thought. Honestly, moms who stayed home seemed out of the ordinary to me, simply because it did not match my experience.

I never thought of a woman’s employment status as an issue until I got married. Sometime after our wedding, I became painfully aware that I was among what seemed like a minority of working women in the church (by which I mean both our local church and the Christian church at large). It seemed to be taken for granted that my working was an anomaly and at some point, God would arrange things the way they “ought to be,” with my husband as the breadwinner and me tending to the home.

But here’s the thing: I like working. I do not want to stay home full-time.

It’s scary to admit that publicly. It feels like the wrong thing to think, let alone say out loud, but I have met other women who feel the same way, and I think they need someone to say it.

I think they need to know they are not alone, because I have felt alone. I have felt like I am somehow broken as a woman because I like working. Because even if we didn’t need my full income or benefits, I would likely still choose to work part-time.

I have hesitated to say this out loud because I fear the reaction. I have been fortunate enough not to have anyone say anything derogatory about me (at least, not in my presence), but I have read and heard enough to know that people have entrenched viewpoints about this and conversations can quickly turn ugly.

I fear that I will end up in a theological debate, and I am not remotely qualified for that. I do not want to jump into what has become part of the culture wars. I’m not a culture warrior. I’m a wife, mom, and employee. I love God and my family, and I like my job. I don’t think those things are irreconcilable.

My husband and I are faithfully following the path that God has laid before us, doing our best with His help to raise a godly young woman. We don’t need arguments about where a “woman’s place” is. My place is the same as any other Christian’s – in Christ, loving Him and obeying His commands.

What we need, not just as working moms but as working families – as FAMILIES – is the support, guidance, friendship, and love of our brothers and sisters in Christ. We’re all part of the same body, after all.

Five Minute Friday: She

I'm linking up with Lisa-Jo Baker's Five Minute Friday, writing for five minutes with no extreme editing or overthinking (quite a feat for me!) This week's prompt is "She."

GO

She grabs my hand in her little chubby one and grips hard. We sit and rock while I give her a “baba.” I worry she is too old for this habit at 15 months and then I remember all the other things I thought she would never outgrow, and I choose to cherish the snuggles.

She releases her grasp and I move my hand away. She makes a small noise of protest, reaches for me, moves my hand to her face. She has loved having her head and face stroked since she was tiny. Someday these will be her tiny days to me and I will remember her newborn days even more faintly than I do now.

I stroke her sweet little head, her smooth cheek. She drinks in milk and comfort. I lay my head on hers.

Someday she won’t need me like this, and as exhausted as I am, that thought breaks my heart. And I can’t believe I’m saying things so cliché that I once rolled my eyes at, but they’re true.

Because of her.

STOP

Reflections on a Year of Working Motherhood

This week marks one year of working motherhood. It is not an experience that can be explained (or even summed up) neatly. (Bonus points if you caught that reference.)

I have felt judged, defensive, embarrassed, proud, jealous, guilty, competent, wildly incompetent, and exhausted beyond belief.

I worked through not enough sleep, too much caffeine, and postpartum depression.

I pumped three times a day for five months and cried big ugly tears in the bathroom at work.

I felt relief at being with adults instead of a colicky infant, able to drink a hot cup of coffee and eat my lunch sitting down and then promptly felt guilty for even thinking that.

I felt like working made me a better mother and a worse mother.

I felt alone.

I Googled “support for Christian working moms” and felt even more alone (and angry).

And then. The biggest, most wonderful surprise of the year.

I learned that I am not alone.

I am part of an amazing, strong, mighty community of moms who love God, their families, and their jobs. These women are an answer to fervent prayer, my soul sisters in sleepless nights, coffee, deadlines, and messy houses. I love them and look forward to serving and growing with them.

God has taken me on an unexpected journey this year. I am nervous, grateful, and excited to see what comes next.

Five Minute Friday: Story

I'm linking up with Lisa-Jo Baker's Five Minute Friday when I should be taking a shower and going to bed. I really want to preface this with all sorts of qualifiers about how it's the end of a long day and I'm tired so it really isn't my best work, but I think that defeats the purpose. So here you go.

This week's prompt is: Story

GO

I thought I knew my story.

It was straightforward: survivor of abuse. Rebuilt my life. Found my way back to God. The end.

Except it wasn’t the end, because life keeps going.

It brings new struggles, new joys. The story keeps unfolding.

I fought it for a long time. Sometimes I still do. I want that to have been “the end,” except I don’t. Not really. Because then I wouldn’t have my husband or our amazing daughter, or this house or these animals. I wouldn’t have these friends or these emerging passions.

I would love for my story to be nice and neat and tied up in a bow: I survived. The end. Happily ever after.

Happily, yes. Sometimes. Not always. But always good, even in the new struggles.

Because God is always true and always good. He is the End. It’s hard to remember that sometimes.

I’m grateful I get to partner with Him in the telling of my story, even when I wish I could peek ahead, just a bit.

I thought I knew my story.

STOP